Vince Lombardi quotes

"Dictionary is the only place that success comes before work. Hard work is the price we must pay for success. I think you can accomplish anything if you're willing to pay the price."

-Vince Lombardi

I remember being a missionary in Brasil, sitting in an interview with my mission president, when he told me these words: "Sometimes I just wish I could take a knife and cut your gut open, throw in some wood and some gasoline and a match, and then sew you back up and get you out there."

Intimidation factor aside, I was pretty shocked he would say this to me for 2 reasons: 1) he was recognizing and honoring the fact that I had all the knowledge and skill necessary to be a powerful missionary, and 2) I thought I was working hard.

What is the price I'm willing to pay for success? What more can I do today that will get me one step closer to success? I really like Coach Lombardi's quote, because it captures something I am FINALLY learning and recognizing in myself. I LOVE SHORTCUTS, and THERE ARE NO SHORTCUTS TO SUCCESS.

I bring up my conversation with my mission president for this very reason: I don't need more knowledge or information or experience. What I need to to just stop worrying about stuff and get to work.

A story that is shared so often is that of Gordon B. Hinckley as a young missionary himself, writing his father a letter feeling discouraged. His father's response? "Forget yourself and get to work."

And so, I find myself telling myself that very same thing. Forget myself, get my butt in gear, and get to work. Things ain't gonna be better nor am I going to find success if I don't work.

Laying bricks and pounding nails is what it takes to build a house.

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

"...to stand and stare."

Leisure - W. H. Davies

"WHAT is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?—

No time to stand beneath the boughs,
And stare as long as sheep and cows:

No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass:

No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night:

No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance:

No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began?

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare."

I read a really cool article this morning that introduced me to the above poem.

As a part-time musician, used-to-be film & video guy, I find myself wondering if I would be one of the passersby or if I would recognize beauty regardless of the context (as Kant suggests is so important to appreciate beauty). And the not so reassuring answer is . . . I don't know.

I remember while living in San Francisco the street musicians I would come across riding the BART to and from S.F. everyday. Some I stopped to listen to, most I just passed by because I had "other things to do." But I do remember occasionally stopping to listen to someone I thought was pretty good. But only occasionally.

The other question, probably more important, is what opportunities am I missing to "stop and stare"? Am I not spending enough time recognizing the infinite potential and beauty of each person I come in contact with? Am I more interested in solving a problem or even worse focusing on my own agenda so much that I miss out on opportunities to appreciate beauty?

Do I not believe that all people have infinite, unique and irreplaceable value? Wouldn't that make every person I contact an opportunity to appreciate beauty and infinity?

Next person you come across, I challenge you to "stand and stare." Not literally, of course, but slow down a bit and consider that person's beauty and worth in the grand scheme of things.

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

Patterns

For the record, I believe in God.

Today I've been pondering the significance of patterns in my life. By patterns, I mean the way things kinda work themselves out as if according to some grand master plan. A pattern of events occurs in my life that is difficult to write-off to mere coincidence. At the very least, one could argue that these occurrences are a function of my interaction with my environment, logical outcomes from my efforts at self-improvement. I believe there is something more.

I've always been fascinated by topics like storytelling, culture, organizational behavior, leadership, success, music. Why? I think because they all are about patterns we can observe that make life predictable and understandable. Stories allow me to connect with someone else in a way unlike any other. I not only connect with the characters in the story, I can connect in some way with the author, with other readers. It gives me a pattern from which I can draw common experience to try to explain or understand life.

Patterns.

We can observe them in nature, the cycle of the seasons, how does that help me understand myself a little better, how does that help me understand other people better, how does that help me understand life better?

I've been reading out of a couple of books lately, one being Dale Carnegie's classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, and I have come away with ideas that basically echo many other sources. Carnegie himself probably would admit to NOT being the first to teach on the subject matter of success. And yet there is a pattern around what he and many other successful people have done, isn't there? Learn - Serve - Grow is a fun principle from a company I am a member of called Corporate Alliance. Principles that Carnegie espoused and taught many years ago, just semantically different with a new coat of paint. Why would anyone try to re-do (look up the word "success" or "leadership" on Google or Amazon and see what happens) what someone else has done so well?

I think it has something to do with patterns.

Success begets success. Success comes with a responsibility to share success. A person who understands the pattern of success also understands that with success comes a responsibility to teach others and help others be more successful.

I'm starting to wander, nothing new.

Patterns.

Take a look at your life. Try to step back and see the entirety of your life from the bird's eye view of things. Do you see any patterns emerging? What patterns might be effecting your ability to succeed in your life calling? Are there patterns in your thoughts, words, or deeds that might be holding you back? Are there patterns that you want to create but for some reason can't figure out how?

I think our brains are wired to recognize and utilize patterns. Our simple being alive is a pattern. Your life is a perfect machine to create your current results (borrowed that from Paul Gustavson). If you want success, figure out what the pattern is for success, and make that pattern a part of your life. It's kinda how the universe (God) works.

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

Unconditional revisited

The question I keep asking myself is, "If I love my children expecting their love and respect in return, is that REALLY unconditional?" If there are any expectations of reciprocity, am I being truly unconditional?

Another example I thought of comes from the fact that most of my "marketing" efforts come from talking to people. Now, typically a telemarketing stance is approaching someone with a proposition hoping your product actually fills a need. At least that's what it is in my experience. So when I call people about my coaching process, usually I'm calling conditionally, right? I mean, I'm calling to see if that person will respond and if that person will give me money, right?

Well, that's totally conditional, then.

And I'm not sure I want to be that way. Because I hate it when people treat me that way. And yet I often approach the "sales" call in that manner. With something in mind as the outcome, some kind of expectation. What's the difference, at least for me, when I call someone just looking for an opportunity to help? And if they don't need my help, that's okay?

Is there something wrong with calling someone, seeing if they need help, finding out they don't, and JUST LETTING GO? Absolutely not.

So why do I even bother calling someone with any kind of expectation around what they can do for me? That's NOT going to get the relationship ANYWHERE. But if I can approach people with a sincere (I didn't put that in all caps because I've already overdone that in this post, but imagine I put some emphasis on that word) desire to find out if I have something they need, and a sincere (see above parenthetical) desire to fill that need . . .

And then there's FAITH and HUMILITY. Wow, because if I don't have faith in God, in others, and in myself, if I don't have the humility to recognize that I don't always get what I want, I'm really not being unconditional at all.

This is hard.

It's hard to think about, hard to write about, hard to actually put into practice.

But my gut is telling me that this is the true key to happiness and success. It's not conditional (as in, "think about yourself riding a brand new bike, and lo and behold, you have a new bike!", if . . . then . . . logic statements), but letting go of expectations and living and loving just because, out of choice.

Whew. My brain needs a break. Time to check email.

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

Unconditional?

Second post in a row with a question as the title.

As I was saying a prayer of thanksgiving today (my wife was at Provo High School when a bomb threat was called in, she got home safely), I started to think about the conditionality of my decision-making and began to wonder about the strength (or weakness) of my faith.

Do I only do good things because I want something in return?

I'll share a personal example. I've been very harsh on my oldest son, Isaac, lately, because he is so smart, and so talented, and yet he chooses to not engage. Or at least I perceive that in him. I imagine some reading this may understand what that's like, from both sides (parent OR child). Anyhow, I come face to face with the question: When I treat him nicely, when I have patience, when I am tolerant of his antics, when I consciously choose love, am I doing it expecting something in return?

The reason I ask this question is because a recent argument I got into with him was triggered by the fact that I had made an effort to exhibit patience and love, and he still acted up (bratty is the word I'd like to use). Then I totally lost it and yelled at him for being disrespectful, blah blah blah. I feel so foolish about it now, but looking back, the reason I was angry was because I expected him to reciprocate patience, love, and respect. That is NOT unconditional love, right? I didn't treat him nicely just because, I treated him nicely because I wanted to feel justified or something. Not sure, still dealing with that one.

The point I'm trying to make, I guess, is that so much of my behavior is conditional in nature. So much of what I'm trying to accomplish is not just because, but because I WANT something in return. This is getting hard to get my brain around.

Yeah, of course I want something, even when I do things unconditionally, I'm doing it to feel good. But is that truly unconditional?

Intellectually, I think I understand conceptually what unconditional means. But I am beginning to wonder, is anything less than love for love's sake truly unconditional?

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

Wounded Healer?

It's interesting that I find myself needing the very things I coach other people on. Just this morning during a session with a client, I found myself thinking that the things I was telling this lady were the very things I needed to improve my interpersonal relationships! In fact, this lady has a background in social work, and she remembers that most of the people in school with her were going into sw because they had empathy for the people they'd be serving.

As I find myself working harder to not only find new clients but to serve my current clients to the best of my ability, I continuously see so much of what I need to improve bouncing off what seems to be my own subconscious and providing me with some pretty accurate insights around how a person is feeling and what might be creating that person's challenge. I'm not ESP dude or anything like that, I just find myself blessed with insight now and again, and I don't think it comes from hearing some voice or anything like that, I really think it comes from my own life experiences and the impact that has on my empathy.

Just the other day, I read a post on a friend's blog about her and her husband's fertility challenge. I cannot begin to have an idea of what it feels like to not have children, to feel like something must be "wrong" with you if you can't conceive, etc. The wonderful thing? This lady has developed a following that she helps immensely with her wit and humor while at the same time helping herself deal with some of her issues.

In the Hawaiian language, the word for teach is the same as the word for learn. As my coaching career continues to blossom and grow, I continually find myself faced with client concerns that mirror my own. I need the same things I find myself telling my wife to tell her boss. I need the same things I suggest to my clients with regards to relationships, work, self-esteem, you name it.

I titled this post "Wounded Healer" because of the fact that yes, I have my own challenges to overcome, yes, I have been hurt before. I don't believe it always means I am the best coach for every person out there, but I do believe that my painful experiences have taught me things that provide me with empathy and understanding. I don't believe my career is in the healing arts, but perhaps I need to reconsider that notion because am I not helping to heal the breaches between a person's mind and a person's heart?

The most important thing, I guess, is to recognize that even the best of us, even those who seem to have everything in order, whose lives are going the right direction, etc., those people have challenges and trials that are their own. I am by no means one of those folks, but as a coach it behooves me to be a product of this process. This also, however, carries with it the recognition that I have learning to do and progress to make just like my clients.

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

The Dissonance Matrix Revisited

Recently I've had fun with my ongoing internal dialogue about valuing myself AND valuing others at the same time. I think what it boils down to is that I truly am INFINITE POTENTIAL, and at the same time, I truly am INCONSEQUENTIAL.

Remember the Dissonance Matrix? If there are any two concepts that seem to be mutually exclusive, I think these two take the award for being the most polar opposites.

So how can I manage both?

I don't know if I can effectively answer that question, as each person has unique and individual challenges around this. Some may lean more to one side than another. I do know where I tend to fall, on the inconsequential side, and I constantly need reminders that oh, btw, you are a being of infinite potential, too!

I think the more valuable inquiry around this topic is: why is it so important?

Why is it important to remember our own AND others' infinite potential?

Why is it important to remember our own AND others' inconsequentiality (is that even a word?)?

Why is it important to have both in balance?

I guess my challenge to anyone who reads this would be to ask these questions of themselves in an effort to gain more accuracy around who they are, what value they have, and how this can impact their interpersonal relations.

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.

Be Good, Be Accurate, Just BE

Recently I've had experiences where I've wondered about choice. Sometimes people do dumb things, even things that they know fundamentally are wrong and yet still do.

One example: recently I served as a chaperone on a high-school choir tour. My greatest fear going in, by the way, was that all the stuff I did in high school on band trips and choir trips would come back to haunt me. But those were completely unfounded as I had a wonderful group of young men who have bright and promising futures, they were very impressive.

I know these boys are great. I know they can make good decisions. I know they have good families that are trying their best to love them.

And then there was Disneyland.

Whatever it was that caused one lad to make a pretty poor choice there (no specifics, but it probably cost him more in terms of his pride and some social status, maybe even financially), I couldn't understand. I honestly wished I could have been standing there when he made the decision, because I guess I think I could've helped him make the right decision. But I wasn't there, in fact it wasn't my job to be there. And yet, even now I find myself thinking "What if . . ."

When I spoke with him later, and let him know that I still loved him (I hope that's the message he got), I saw the sorrow in his eyes, I saw that he knew he made a poor choice. I even spoke to his mother, and told her that he was a great kid and that I really liked being his chaperone because he was very respectful and didn't make any trouble for me. She then told me something I didn't expect: "I know he's a good kid. But for some reason, he continues to make poor choices. I think you need to tell him that, because he needs to hear it from someone else."

Hmm.

Why would someone with a mother like that do something like that? Was it really to get someone's attention? I don't know. Maybe that wasn't the best example of what I was trying to say, maybe I just needed to put that out there to give some perspective to my own life and my own choices. Yes, I make mistakes too. I make blunders galore. And I'm pretty sure that by this point in my life, I know what's right and wrong, what will help me be successful and what will gum up the works. Yet I still make choices that sabotage myself.

Another insight:

Valuing others and valuing myself ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

My wife recently has had challenges in terms of clarity around her role with the local high school choir (yep, same choir I went on tour with in the above story).

To make a long story short, she felt undervalued and felt like if she left the choir, no one would notice.

Huh?

It was great walking her through this whole situation, and seeing her realize the above principle. See, there's another accompanist for the choir, and her youngest child is already in high school. Our oldest of 4 isn't even in junior high yet! So, different circumstances, etc. It was difficult for my wife to see the value she brought to the choir, because she compared her lack of time to dedicate to the choir to the abundance of time the other accompanist can give the choir.

Time for an accuracy check.

Yes, my wife can't give more time to the choir. But her problem wasn't in identifying the value everyone else brought to the leadership team of the choir (director + both accompanists), her brain was taking her to "all or nothing" land and the tendency we have in this culture to think that we can only do one kind of valuing at a time. We either value others OR we value ourselves, but hardly ever do we lay-folk value BOTH at the same time.

That, essentially, was my wife's challenge. She wasn't feeling validated, NOT because of what the others were or weren't doing, but because she couldn't stop comparing with an all or nothing mindset! I can either be everything the other accompanist is, or I can quit.

Wow. How often do you think this way? Do you ever find yourself putting yourself DOWN in order to value someone else? It's funny, we always hear about the crabs in a bucket analogy, how they pull each other down to try to get out so no one gets out. This is kind of the opposite, pulling yourself down hoping others will get out.

We gots'ta work together to get out, folks. Cain't do it alone, cain't do it pulling others down, cain't do it taking ourselves out' th' equation either! (In my mind, that kinda sounded like Mater from "Cars" talking)

Life. The Art of Sneezing. Linked as ridiculous concepts from which one can find joy.